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Once upon a dream...
Just take it one day at a time.
 Stress, stress, stress, stress, stress...
I just need to remember to stop and breathe sometimes.

Tonight was the first time in months that my eye has NOT twitched. A month of that twitch was starting to drive me crazy. I hope it stays gone forever. *sigh* If not, it seems that spending time with Ashlee, while eating sushi, and then laughing hysterically cured my eye twitch. What would I ever do without her? :3

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Current Mood: calm calm

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I really like what life is throwing my way right now.
Surprises and new adventures in my life GALORE! Yay!~
I like being happy and feeling wanted. It pleases me. :3
I love hanging out with Ashlee. Always have. I enjoy her company quite a bit. ^_^
I love boothing for Stay Safe Seattle and being part of the scene again.
Its a dirty and sometime ugly scene. But I love the friends and the music there.
Sleepytime is now.
Last day of class in the morning.
Then a week full of awesome happiness is ahead.

Amber is happy Amber!

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Current Location: United States, Everett
Current Mood: pleased pleased

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Valentines Day is just a reminder of how fucking lonely I am right now.

I was talking to one of my dear friends last night,
and he was telling me that he's going to propose to his gf when he moves to the states.
Somehow we got on the topic of finding the person your right for.
That person who fits in your life like a missing puzzle piece.
Or, the peanut butter to your jelly.
And really, I haven't found that yet.
I believe that there is someone out there for all of us.
And you may not find them for years... but its still depressing when this time of year comes around.

It doesn't help either that the boy i'm going all gaga over is in a really complicated situation right now. :/
Like Ashlee keeps telling herself: "its more than a sexual attraction. He likes me more than that..."
I just need to keep reminding myself of that. -sighhhhh-

I still hate feeling emotions sometimes...

Today i'm going to look beyond this and think positively!
Life is looking up.
And in the heart of it all, at least i'm not getting broken up with today. XD
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My moms solution to me going to Berlin
is her giving me the $350 she would have spent on my Vegas ticket.
She argued with me and told me to get a second job
and save up the money from that.
Now I dont have tons of hours at Target as it is,
but I still dont have that much time for a second job.
Shoot. I was up til 1:30am finishing one assignment last night.
I would definantly not be able to handle a second job.
But... it is an option is worse comes to worse.
And then she told me not to get jealous if her and my sister still go to Vegas
...without me, none the less.
Of course i'm going to get jealous.
It part of being human.

But, Berlin feels completely out of reach.
Even with the $350 my mom would give me,
i'm still $1150 short.
Thats a HUGE chunk of cash.
Even with "fundraisers" with ther german club,
I highly doubt I'd even get close to enough.

This totally puts a bit of a damper on my mood today.
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School starts tomorrow.
I'm kind of nervous.
Mostly excited. :D
Haven't been to school since graduating high school in 2007.
So even though i'm only taking one class,
this is still a huge step for me.

(Thanks Ashlee, for sort of pushing me to do this. Haha.)

Current Mood: happy happy

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Wow. Its been some stretch of time since my last update.

I hate my job right now. Not once in the last two years have I ever hated my job so much. We just got a new "Store Team Lead"... he's nice and all, but has really high expectations for us. Which in turn makes it so the LOD's have really high expectations for us as well. Tonight was the final straw. Not once, but twice, I have been told that cafs have been left for the morning crew and Brett, our STL was disappointed with the LOD from that closing night. That happened last night when I wasn't even closing. So upon talking to my LOD tonight, she says "You need to get the cafs done tonight so I dont get in trouble. I don't want to lose my job." Well thanks for putting the stress of you keeping YOUR job in MY hands. That makes me feel febulous. Really, it does. >_< I even talked to the LOD who said that to me and told her that I would need some help getting everything done tonight. I had two hours and 15 minutes by myself to push like 16 tubs of merchandise to the salesfloor. No one can do that much in such a short amount of time. Especially when you have to weave through a bunch of customers and help people in the process. Needless to say, I did not get everything done at work tonight. I tried, but I didn't finish. When the LOD asked how I was doing, I told her the truth... that there would be cafs left over for the morning. She just looked at me like we hadn't talked about this already and asked "why didn't you walkie me about help?" Seriously...? You really want to know why? She told me that I HAD to get it done so she wouldn't get in trouble. HAD to! And that I wouldn't need the help because I had someone here with me until 8pm. Thats all kind of selfish, really. Looking out for your job (which she doesnt even do very well in the first place) and then piling a bunch of stress on my shoulder.

Because of this happening, I am going to talk to my boss and tell him that I cant handle working evening backroom shifts anymore. I don't need the stress. I actually can't take the stress. Whether i'm in remission or not, I shouldn't have stress in my life. No wonder i'm always so fucking tired. Stress is wearing me down. FML! Hopefully my boss will understand and only schedule me as the mid-day backroom perosn or even a cashier. Just no evening backroom...

On a brighter note, Ashlee convinced me to send a christmas card to the boy I have a crush on. I get so shy around guys that I like. Best part is, i've only ever talked to him online, and I met him once a couple years ago but didn't know who he was until about a month ago. Doesn't change the fact of how adorable I think he is with his nerdy glasses and poofy hair. ^.^

Current Location: United States, Everett

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I've been thinking... i'm going to start my new year's resolution list now.

1] Move out with someone. Hopefully to Seattle. :3
2] Get my ass on track and actually work out. I want to work out and lose like 60 or more pounds. O_O
3] Start eating healthier. This ties in with the before mentioned "working out".
4] Start college. Although I don't know what I want to do yet, I can start small and work up from there.
5] Find a way to help the rave scene out, maybe? They've been my other family for almost 4 years. :D
6] And last, but not least, confess my love for a certain someone. That'll take some time though.

I think most of that is pretty simple to handle. I'm a strong girl. And like three of those things I already started on once before, but failed. So maybe the second time will be a charm; yes? Haha.

Current Mood: determined determined
Current Music: LIGHTS

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Everything has been going fine since I finished all my treatment. I've been getting my life back, hanging out with more people because I couldn't hang out with them while I was going through treatment, and just overall having fun.

But then life or whoever it is that controls our lives decided to throw a curveball at me. It could be nothing, but the thought that this could be SOMETHING is slowly tearing me apart inside. My mom just went in for a mammogram, and she called me afterwards to let me know what the results were. Turns out she has a mass in one of her breasts. Could be a tumor, could just be a cyst. Either way... there's still that possibility that it could be cancer. And to be completely honest, I would never want anyone to go through cancer. If I could annihilate cancer all together, I would. I'm getting a bit off topic though. My mom is going in on monday morning to get a biopsy. My sister will be with her, and she said that if I wish to go, I can come with. I don't know what I'm going to do. My mom was there to support me through everything I had to go through. I don't want her to feel like I'm turning my back to her, or just not wanting to be there. I don't think she'd ever think that... but I still don't want it to be a possibility. What if she wants me there? Maybe I should go... -sigh-

These curveballs in life; why do they happen? It always seems like that happen just when you've finally got your last problem fixed, and was on your way to being completely happy. Then it happens. Life drops a bomb on what you call, your world.

Welcome to my life. It seems that this always happens when I just finished putting the pieces of my life back together. You have to admit... there's something terribly wrong here. If one human being has to battle cancer themselves (with the support of friends and family) then face the fact that one of their parents could potentially have something wrong with them... that's just fucked up.

I'm in need of some sort of mental or physical therapy. When I was sad while going through treatment, I would go shopping. Retail therapy helped me be happy... even if it was just for a fragment of time. I need something of that sort now though. I... I need bliss in my life. Pure bliss.

In other news, I'm still having allergic reactions. I've narrowed it down to two possible things. But that only supports three (out of eight) times that I either had a swollen lip, tongue, or throat. My medical ended today... but I applied for another medical through the state. Hopefully I get accepted, cuz I should probably go get an allergy test. The cancer partnership didn't even mention me getting one when I went in after my top lip was completely swollen. That was probably because my lack of medical. That happens when you rack up thousands of dollars in bills from treatment and everything before that. >_<

All in all, I just have to say this. FML!

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Current Location: United States, Washington, Everett
Current Mood: crappy crappy

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There's certain things I suddenly miss about my old life. My life before I was diagnosed with cancer, that is.

I miss raving. OH GOD, how I miss it. -sigh- I was looking through pictures from some of the raves I've missed, and just started thinking about how much I actually do miss them. Earlier this year, I was just kind of not wanting to go to raves anymore. They had lost their appeal. Now I crave them more than anything. I miss my friends that I only ever saw at raves. I miss my rave family. I miss dancing. I miss just being able to have fun every weekend. It comes at a cost, but whatever.

I'm going to start a workout plan. Ashlee and I started working out on wednesday. Were going to work out like 4 times a week, each week getting more intense with the workouts. So come next spring, Ashlee and I should look fabulous! ^__^
I had to cancel twice because I had a crazy allergic reaction to something. No one ever told me that after chemotherapy, I could suddenly become allergic to certain things. Well, last sunday I woke up with a swollen throat. And then on monday, my tongue was swollen. All in all, I was freaked out. My mom had to call the Cancer Partnership for me on monday evening and talk to a doctor to see what else we could do to help me (besides give me benedryl). Everything was fine by tuesday.

Oh, oh, oh! You know whats always nice? When random people tell you that they love your hair! I finally got the confidence to not wear my wig, and everyone kept telling me how cute I look with my short hair. One woman also told me that it reminds her of the 1920's and flapper girls. After that, everyone else that comment on my hair says the same thing. This makes me quite happy! :D

Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: SuPeR K! - sPiN! sPiN! SuPeR!

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Oh deary me, I haven't updated this is quite a stitch of time... again. My bad.

I feel like I never have time to just sit down and write something down online. I've only been working like 25 to 30 hours a week... but that doesn't mean that I've always been home on my days off either. Wifey and I worked everything out that was regarding warped tour. Obviously. Seeing as she went with me. XD But regardless, it was all a HUGE misunderstanding and we both thought that the other person was acting weird and whatnot. I hate when that happens.

I officially kicked cancer's ass! My doctor said that since my last PET scan came back looking great, I don't need any more chemotherapy or radiation. :D I'll be getting my port removed on the 22nd. And then on November 24th, i'll be going in for my 3 month check-up. Everything is looking up! And now I can say that I've defeated the one thing I feared the most.

Umm... i've fallen in love with Breathe Carolina's new cd "Hello Fascination". I think I listened to it for almost 3 weeks straight. Crazy, huh?

I also decided to get a new tattoo. I still have to figure out exactly what i'm getting. All I know is I want it to pertain to my cancer and my battle against it. And seeing as going to see Owl City this summer was the one thing that was keeping me ultimately happy and excited about this summer... then I find it rather fitting to get a line from one of my favorite songs tattooed on me. You may think that sounds dumb, but you really have no idea how much listening to Owl CIty helped me stay happy and always looking at things on the brighter side. Almost like looking at a glass half full, instead of half empty. Anyways, I know I wont regret this tattoo. Like I said; Owl City was the one thing I was really looking forward to during this summer. And not only did I get to see him, but I met him. He's my hero. Seriously though, he is. :)

On another note, my hair is growing back quite nice. I miss my pink hair, but i'm glad that I have healthy hair growing back. From all those years of dying my hair different colors, i'm sure my hair wasn't as healthy as it could have been. Actually, it defiantly wasn't... even though it felt healthy. Weird. Its still pretty weird seeing myself with short hair. I'm used to it... but always having longer hair my whole life, and now having drastically short hair is a HUGE change. I'm sure sooner or later i'll feel confident going out in public with my shirt hair... meh... hopefully sooner. Heh!

I'm going to stop myself here. I've typed quite a bit and covered all the things i've wanted to cover. HOORAY!

OH! Ashlee and I are planning on dressing up as Peter Pan and Tinkerbell for Halloween. Guess whos going as Tinkerbell? Yup... me! ^___^ Ashlee actually asked if she could be Peter Pan. I personally think she'd make a freaking awesome (and f-i-n-e) Peter. XD Ahh! I love my best friend. Haha.

I need some sleep pretty soon...

Current Mood: sleepy sleepy

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