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Once upon a dream...
Just take it one day at a time.
I've been thinking a lot lately. Or more rather, I've been stuck in my own head worrying about life and TRYING to find way to make myself happy. So many things decide to shit on me all at once, and I feel like the pressure from everything is slowly making me crack. My mom thinks i'm depressed, because depression is a trait that runs in my family. And maybe I am. I'm not ruling that out. In fact, i'm starting to think that I am depressed as well. This may all come out in a jumble, but I need to get things off my chest and out into the open.

I guess I can say that everything started going south when my best friend went off to university. While she only lives a few hours away, it is still hard for us to see each other as much as we used to. She was my safety blanket, and I hers. Ever since she left for university a few years ago, I find myself trying to make up excuses not to go out by myself. Am I nervous? Am I afraid of being alone? Why can't I just be comfortable with going out alone? It's almost as if I was alienating myself because I didn't feel comfortable doing things anymore. I hadn't even consciously realized that I was making up excuses not to go out until late last year when I had a breakdown. To this day, I still feel uncomfortable going out alone... but I've been working on pushing myself to go out. The surprising thing is that once I go out alone and happen to run into some friends, everything is okay. I feel better about being out by myself.

I also recently found myself worrying about school and life much more than usual. With my graduation coming up for my associates, and with me moving on to start my bachelor's degree, I am worried that all this schooling will be for nothing. I'm afraid that all this time, effort, and money that has been put into getting me a college education will be a complete waste. On that note, i'm worried about finding a decent job once i'm done with school. Or even finding a job this summer that I enjoy enough to stick with. I miss working at the daycare and having an easy job that worked around my class times. Scratch that... I miss having a job and actually making money. Part of me wants to not start working on my bachelor's degree in the fall, and instead just work. I'm 24 years old, and I still live at home. While I appreciate not having to worry about buying my own food or paying for rent, it would be nice to have a place to call my own. I can't express enough how thankful I am of my parents for helping me out so much over the course of my college studies. However, I don't want to be 26 and still living at home. Thus, I've decided that I am going to find a job once this quarter is over, and I am going to save up money to finally move out. Since I will be starting with online classes through Central, I will be able to continue working and saving money. Hopefully by early next year or before next summer I will be able to move out. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

There is so much more going on in my life that just bogs me down. I need summer. I need happiness. I need something to change.
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Seeing as I only have about 45 more minutes to throw together a project that I haven't even begun... I am doomed for failure in this class. Maintaining a social life, working, and going to school seriously takes a toll on my life. I'm passing out earlier than normal. I always feel drained or sick. I feel out of touch with everyone. There are days that I want to just stop going to school, and focus on work... but I know that is not really a good option. I only have like a year of college left, then I should have my AA (if all goes well).

Anyways, back to my project subject. All steam that I should have to complete this project is just gone. It never existed, for that matter. I've weighed out the cons of not completing this project. My grade in that class will drop from a B+ to like a C-. Honestly, i'm willing to take that over having a mental breakdown because of a stupid project.

*sigh*
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I've come to the conclusion that I am becoming a bit of a hermit. I'm not necessarily sure how I feel about it either. School and work seem to consume my time, so when it comes down to hanging out with people, I usually choose to spend my time at home rather than spend my time with them. I honestly don't think I've actually gone out with friends since my birthday. Typically I come up with some excuse that may or may not be entirely true. For instance "I need to finish my homework." Truth is, I probably do have homework, but do I need to finish it on THIS specific night? Probably not. I also seem to buy projects to make me feel like I have a reason to stay home. Maybe i'm using these projects to fill some unknown void.

Upon thinking about this habit of mine, I also realized how terribly uncomfortable it makes me feel to go to other peoples homes when I don't have prior knowledge that they are home. It's always been this way. For as long as I can remember, I have needed to call or text someone before I come over to their place, just to make sure that they were home. Even if I am invited over earlier in the day... when it comes time for me to head over to a friends place, I need to reassure myself that they will be there. I wish I could break myself of this. I yearn to be spontaneous and surprise people by showing up to visit them!

F uuuuuuuu mind! Why must you plague me like this?

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I've decided that I am putting in my two weeks on Friday.
I need to focus on school...
and right now, I don't feel that I have enough time to do so.

Ashlee, my mom, and my dad all support my decision...
which makes this a bit easier to do.

I just hope that this doesn't cause a rift in my work-life for the remaining two weeks.
I really don't want those to be miserable.

This decision is for the best. School comes first, Amber.


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All these changes are going to be for the best.

Ashlee is going off to Central in a few months. Thus, our paths separate for awhile. It's sad, but I know it needs to happen. It's honestly going to be really weird not having my best friend around everyday. BIG STEPS man!

Also, planning on MOST LIKELY quitting working at the daycare. Things have gotten pretty bad there. Negligence of children is not okay... and that's all that seems to happen with our coworkers. I love the kids there, but with Ashlee leaving soon, it's going to get unbearable at the daycare. Our 3 coworkers are basically best friends. They always talk to each other, ignoring kids in the process. Or even saying things around them that shouldn't be talked about at work. Ashlee talked with a parent from the daycare about the possibilities of being a nanny for her kids while she is still here, and me being one after she leave for Central. She really liked the idea and called me last night about it. I let her know that I would love to nanny her kids. I've been wanting to get away from the daycare, so this is the perfect opportunity. And if this all pans out, I will be a nanny for 2 kids that I adore. [Many thanks to Ashlee for talking to the parent!]

In the meantime, i'm finishing up the CBYX scholarship. Part of me doesn't want to do it anymore, while the other part is telling me to just give it a try. It seems like things are falling into place with this new job offer and an awesome boyfriend. I don't want to leave them both behind. The worst thing that can happen is that I don't get accepted. In which case, at least I gave it a try. In the case that I do get accepted, i'm sure i'll have the choice of whether or not I still want to go. If it comes down to that, I will be faced with one of the toughest decisions yet.

Remember Amber, these changes are all for the best.

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I'm taking a huge leap and applying for a scholarship.
Not necessarily just any scholarship, but rather one that would send me around 6,000 miles away from home if I was accepted.
And for a year at that!

The CBYX scholarship is a get opportunity!
All expense paid trip to Germany,
2 month language course,
5 months at a college,
and 5 months with an internship.
ALL IN GERMANY!!!
*dances with glee*

So many people have told me that they hope that I get accepted.
...and I hope I do too.
A year away from my friends and family might be a bit difficult for me though.

I'm not going to plan on getting accepted though.
I don't want to get my hopes up.
I would love to get accepted,
and if I do, then sweet... more power to me!
If I don't get accepted, then it's not the end of the world.
Opportunities to do amazing things like this will indeed come around a few more times in my life.


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Current Mood: sleepy sleepy

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 I leave in 3 days for Germany. All these emotions keeps flooding over me. At one point I will be extremely excited and practically counting down the minutes until I leave for the airport. The next minute, a rush of fear and sadness overcomes me. I start to question if I am actually ready to be away from all of the comforts of home for that long. Let alone away from the comforts and the safety of my family. This will be the longest I go without seeing my family. This will also be my first trip abroad and my first flight. The one thing that keeps me from letting that fear completely overcome me is knowing that my best friend will be there with me the whole way. This is a new chapter in our lives... a new journey... a new memory. And oh what a memory this will be!

On a completely separate note, I had to go to the ER on Thursday. I had been sick since the beginning of the month, and I thought that I woke up with the flu on Wednesday. I knew that something wasn't particularly right though. I was getting pains along my back and wrapping around to my stomach... the same pain I felt when I had to go to the ER for gall stones in 2007. Thus on Thursday when I woke up with the pain concentrated mainly around the right side of my tummy & side, I knew that I needed to go to the hospital. Turns out that my second suspicion was correct. My gall bladder is freaking out on me again. Soooo when I get back from Germany, I get to go in for a gall bladder removal surgery. Oh joy. -_-
Now because of my gall bladder freaking out on me, and that pain that it is causing me, I am currently on antibiotics and pain meds. I understand that it isn't a wise choice to work ANYWHERE while under the influence of pain meds. However, with my boss not wanting me to work, even after I told her that I don't have to take my pain meds as often as I had to when I first got them... I feel like I don't even have a job anymore. I know this is for the best. Not only for the safety of the kids that I work with, but also to help ensure that nothing happens to me that could worsen my case. This not working thing still kind of sucks though, but it's given me ample time to make sure I have everything together for my trip.

-sigh- Off to lala land I go. Hopefully I dream about something awesome and normal. I've been having some really strange dreams. I'll blame my Vicodin for that. o.O

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Current Location: United States, Washington, Everett
Current Mood: relaxed relaxed
Current Music: Lifehouse :3

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My stress levels over my Germany trip just went down quite significantly.
I am lucky to have such amazing people in my life who are willing to help me out so much. :3

I leave in 7 weeks. EEEP!

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Current Mood: happy happy

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 Everything is hitting me in waves. The strongest of which comes right before I go to bed.

I really miss Gavin. This is the worst breakdown I've had since his death. I think that after all these days of trying to occupy my mind with other thoughts, I was just pushing the truth aside and burying it when I really needed to face it and deal with it.

Work was nothing short of lumps in my throat and having to compose myself.

I'll see you in my dreams, Gavin. Maybe this time, you'll be the one saving me from talking polar bears. Heh.

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Current Mood: sad sad

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Today took a turn for the worst, when the most amazing and cheerful 5 year old little boy was taken away from us. 

Life tries to prepare you for handling death. Yet no matter how many deaths you deal with, or how much you prepare... you just aren't ready.

I'm going to go submerse myself in a world of loud music and friends and hope that I can push this to the side of my mind for tonight.

Rest in peace, Gavin. Your laughter and that manly voice coming from inside such a small little boy will be missed more than you could ever understand.
 

<3

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Current Mood: sad sad

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