I've been thinking... i'm going to start my new year's resolution list now.

1] Move out with someone. Hopefully to Seattle. :3
2] Get my ass on track and actually work out. I want to work out and lose like 60 or more pounds. O_O
3] Start eating healthier. This ties in with the before mentioned "working out".
4] Start college. Although I don't know what I want to do yet, I can start small and work up from there.
5] Find a way to help the rave scene out, maybe? They've been my other family for almost 4 years. :D
6] And last, but not least, confess my love for a certain someone. That'll take some time though.

I think most of that is pretty simple to handle. I'm a strong girl. And like three of those things I already started on once before, but failed. So maybe the second time will be a charm; yes? Haha.

Tags: new years resolutions
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: LIGHTS

Everything has been going fine since I finished all my treatment. I've been getting my life back, hanging out with more people because I couldn't hang out with them while I was going through treatment, and just overall having fun.

But then life or whoever it is that controls our lives decided to throw a curveball at me. It could be nothing, but the thought that this could be SOMETHING is slowly tearing me apart inside. My mom just went in for a mammogram, and she called me afterwards to let me know what the results were. Turns out she has a mass in one of her breasts. Could be a tumor, could just be a cyst. Either way... there's still that possibility that it could be cancer. And to be completely honest, I would never want anyone to go through cancer. If I could annihilate cancer all together, I would. I'm getting a bit off topic though. My mom is going in on monday morning to get a biopsy. My sister will be with her, and she said that if I wish to go, I can come with. I don't know what I'm going to do. My mom was there to support me through everything I had to go through. I don't want her to feel like I'm turning my back to her, or just not wanting to be there. I don't think she'd ever think that... but I still don't want it to be a possibility. What if she wants me there? Maybe I should go... -sigh-

These curveballs in life; why do they happen? It always seems like that happen just when you've finally got your last problem fixed, and was on your way to being completely happy. Then it happens. Life drops a bomb on what you call, your world.

Welcome to my life. It seems that this always happens when I just finished putting the pieces of my life back together. You have to admit... there's something terribly wrong here. If one human being has to battle cancer themselves (with the support of friends and family) then face the fact that one of their parents could potentially have something wrong with them... that's just fucked up.

I'm in need of some sort of mental or physical therapy. When I was sad while going through treatment, I would go shopping. Retail therapy helped me be happy... even if it was just for a fragment of time. I need something of that sort now though. I... I need bliss in my life. Pure bliss.


In other news, I'm still having allergic reactions. I've narrowed it down to two possible things. But that only supports three (out of eight) times that I either had a swollen lip, tongue, or throat. My medical ended today... but I applied for another medical through the state. Hopefully I get accepted, cuz I should probably go get an allergy test. The cancer partnership didn't even mention me getting one when I went in after my top lip was completely swollen. That was probably because my lack of medical. That happens when you rack up thousands of dollars in bills from treatment and everything before that. >_<


All in all, I just have to say this. FML!

Tags: allergies, life, mom
Current Location: United States, Washington, Everett
Current Mood: crappy

There's certain things I suddenly miss about my old life. My life before I was diagnosed with cancer, that is.

I miss raving. OH GOD, how I miss it. -sigh- I was looking through pictures from some of the raves I've missed, and just started thinking about how much I actually do miss them. Earlier this year, I was just kind of not wanting to go to raves anymore. They had lost their appeal. Now I crave them more than anything. I miss my friends that I only ever saw at raves. I miss my rave family. I miss dancing. I miss just being able to have fun every weekend. It comes at a cost, but whatever.

I'm going to start a workout plan. Ashlee and I started working out on wednesday. Were going to work out like 4 times a week, each week getting more intense with the workouts. So come next spring, Ashlee and I should look fabulous! ^__^
I had to cancel twice because I had a crazy allergic reaction to something. No one ever told me that after chemotherapy, I could suddenly become allergic to certain things. Well, last sunday I woke up with a swollen throat. And then on monday, my tongue was swollen. All in all, I was freaked out. My mom had to call the Cancer Partnership for me on monday evening and talk to a doctor to see what else we could do to help me (besides give me benedryl). Everything was fine by tuesday.

Oh, oh, oh! You know whats always nice? When random people tell you that they love your hair! I finally got the confidence to not wear my wig, and everyone kept telling me how cute I look with my short hair. One woman also told me that it reminds her of the 1920's and flapper girls. After that, everyone else that comment on my hair says the same thing. This makes me quite happy! :D

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: SuPeR K! - sPiN! sPiN! SuPeR!

Oh deary me, I haven't updated this is quite a stitch of time... again. My bad.

I feel like I never have time to just sit down and write something down online. I've only been working like 25 to 30 hours a week... but that doesn't mean that I've always been home on my days off either. Wifey and I worked everything out that was regarding warped tour. Obviously. Seeing as she went with me. XD But regardless, it was all a HUGE misunderstanding and we both thought that the other person was acting weird and whatnot. I hate when that happens.

I officially kicked cancer's ass! My doctor said that since my last PET scan came back looking great, I don't need any more chemotherapy or radiation. :D I'll be getting my port removed on the 22nd. And then on November 24th, i'll be going in for my 3 month check-up. Everything is looking up! And now I can say that I've defeated the one thing I feared the most.

Umm... i've fallen in love with Breathe Carolina's new cd "Hello Fascination". I think I listened to it for almost 3 weeks straight. Crazy, huh?

I also decided to get a new tattoo. I still have to figure out exactly what i'm getting. All I know is I want it to pertain to my cancer and my battle against it. And seeing as going to see Owl City this summer was the one thing that was keeping me ultimately happy and excited about this summer... then I find it rather fitting to get a line from one of my favorite songs tattooed on me. You may think that sounds dumb, but you really have no idea how much listening to Owl CIty helped me stay happy and always looking at things on the brighter side. Almost like looking at a glass half full, instead of half empty. Anyways, I know I wont regret this tattoo. Like I said; Owl City was the one thing I was really looking forward to during this summer. And not only did I get to see him, but I met him. He's my hero. Seriously though, he is. :)

On another note, my hair is growing back quite nice. I miss my pink hair, but i'm glad that I have healthy hair growing back. From all those years of dying my hair different colors, i'm sure my hair wasn't as healthy as it could have been. Actually, it defiantly wasn't... even though it felt healthy. Weird. Its still pretty weird seeing myself with short hair. I'm used to it... but always having longer hair my whole life, and now having drastically short hair is a HUGE change. I'm sure sooner or later i'll feel confident going out in public with my shirt hair... meh... hopefully sooner. Heh!

I'm going to stop myself here. I've typed quite a bit and covered all the things i've wanted to cover. HOORAY!

OH! Ashlee and I are planning on dressing up as Peter Pan and Tinkerbell for Halloween. Guess whos going as Tinkerbell? Yup... me! ^___^ Ashlee actually asked if she could be Peter Pan. I personally think she'd make a freaking awesome (and f-i-n-e) Peter. XD Ahh! I love my best friend. Haha.

I need some sleep pretty soon...

Current Mood: sleepy

Long time, no update... huh? Oopsie. My bad.

I'm done with radiation. Done! I'll be going in to see my doctor on the 24th to schedule my tests and make sure I'm doing alright. So hopefully by next month, I'll have my port out and be finished with everything.

I've been keeping myself busy with life. Oh life, how I have missed you. -hugs- Haha. You never realize how much you cant do when you get cancer and have to go through a bunch of tests and treatments. But that's all done and over with... and now, I'm enjoying life to the fullest. Or at least as much as I can. :D

All but one of my side affects from the radiation are gone. I've been dealing with my lovely skin burn/rash. Attractive, I know. It feels just like a sunburn. Super painful sometimes. And really red. Some days it looks alot worse than the prior day. I don't understand. Maybe being warm has something to do with it... cuz it only seem that when I'm at work and moving around a bunch, it gets redder. O.o Whatever. It should be getting better within the next week. At least thats what my radiologist told me.

OH! And I won two tickets to Warped tour. So I sold them to Kayla and Courtney so they could go with Ashlee and I. We all haven't hung out together for a reallllllly long time. So I'm actually rather excited for this. Plus, I worked on Ashlee and my shirts today, and they're turning out super cute. Soooooooo all in all, not only did I win tickets [ahhhh FATE], but i'll look adorable, get to see some amazing bands, spend time with 3 of my best friends, and have a freaking blast! Ahhhhh I'm seriously way too excited. I've been counting down the days to myself. Bahaha!

Anyways, I have a long day ahead of me. Which means I should probably get some sleep pretty soon. I doubt that will happen anytime soon though. Whenever I tell myself that I need to go to bed around a certain time, it never happens. I'll end up staying up a few hours later and losing sleep. Oh well. Thats what coffee is for. -omnomnom-

Peace out, kiddos!

P.S. I FINALLY worked on most of the projects that I had piled up for me to start. Lol. Tutu's = done! Warped shirts = 50% done. And I taught myself how to make hemp jewelry. I've been making so many pieces since I taught myself a few days ago. Heh! I are addicted?!? I think yes. Room renovation still needs to happen. I think I just dont want to get around to taking down all my posters. Theres so many of them. >_< Anywhooo... this is Amber, signing out!

Current Location: Mi casa
Current Mood: excited

August is going to be one of the most exciting months of this year!!!

I almost cant believe that its almost August anyways. This year is going by too quick. O_O

~Tomorrow I get to see Kayla. She's been in Maine for the past two weeks. And we had both been super busy with our own lives before that, so we have not seen eachother since the 4th of July. :( BUT, I get to see her tomorrow, and that will make everything much better. She hasn't seen me without my hair yet, in person. Haha.
~Then on the 8th, i'm planning on hanging out with her again. We had plans to do something already, but I told her that if I had to work on sunday, I wouldnt be able to go through with our normal plans. So i'm thinking that her and I should just see Harry Potter in 3D. ^_^
~On the 12th, i'm hanging out with my new friend Austen. He's quite the cool cat. Lol. Were going to go to Seattle! He wants to go to the waterfront and walk around a bit, then get some Dick's, then go to the EMP/Science Fiction Museum. I think that sounds like a blast, so I said yes to going. Plus, I love Seattle. So anytime an opportunity like this presents itself, i'm down!
~Then... -dun dun dun- on the 15th, Ashlee, Kayla, and I are all leaving around 6am to drive to the Gorge for WARPED TOUR! I still need to make Ashlee and my outfits... i'm sure i'll get to the sometime this week or next. XD Sunshine, music, best friends, looking awesome, and a small road trip... what more could I ask for?

Thats just my plans as for now. I'm sure i'll have much more amazingly fun things to do over the course of the month. Woot!

Time to go dance around to music! Today is a great day. ^_^

Current Mood: bouncy

I feel beautiful, with or without my hair. I know I'm beautiful, and now that I'm not watching my hair fall out everyday, its easier to remind myself of that. Its weird how things work, isn't it?!?

Ashlee got her hair cut on Saturday. I let her have one of the wigs that I don't want... the other, I'm giving to my cousin who was born with a brain tumor. She's in her late 20's and has never had much hair throughout her whole life, so I'm sure she'll appreciate my kind gesture.
And the best friend who said I was being a sketchy friend... well, we worked everything out. I think it was just a huge misunderstanding on both of our parts. Shit happens. You learn to get over it.

I guess you can say that I gave up on my hair. Heh. I just didnt want to deal with it yesterday... and seeing as I had the day off, I decided to go get it buzzed off. Oh what a day.

I could not sit still while I sat there waiting for a hairstylist to call me back. I flipped through a magazine, then a haircut book... the whole time, my foot was tapping. I could feel a lump in my throat everytime I swallowed. Then I was called back. I thought it would be alot worse. I thought I would cry. I guess seeing how little hair I had left made it easier. I had barely anything to work with when it came to longer hair. Now, its about 1/3 of an inch long. It will grow back healthy, beautiful, and in a normal color. I'll miss my beautiful pink hair. But for awhile now, i've been thinking of going a normal color. I'll be 21 at the end of the year, and honestly, I would like to look more like an adult for awhile. Maybe eventually when my hair is long enough, i'll dye it pink again. For now though, I have a gorgeous brunette wig. ^_^

Ashlee is being the most amazing best friend I could ever ask for. I didnt even ask her to do this for me; she offered. But sometime this weekend or next week, she is planning on cutting her hair off. Think Victoria Beckham, short, pixie cut. I think it will look adorable on her too. And knowing that she's going to go through all those annoying awkward hair phases with me makes me alot happier. Actually, just simply knowing that she's do this for me makes me happier. Speaking of Ashlee... that reminded me of the next subject...

Project 365. Ever heard of it? Google it if you havent. Anyways, I started Project 365 yesterday. Seeing as today marked a new chapter in my book, I wanted to document how much I change and my hair growth over the next year. One whole year. Lets see how different I look. :3 Once Ashlee gets her hair cut, she'll be starting Project 365 as well. Woohoo!

Time for me to get some sleep. I turned off my alarm two days ago when it went off, then fell back asleep. Ended up waking up about 15 minutes before I had to be at radiation. And yesterday, I just wanted to sleep in. I cant have that happening anymore. But luckily, since I dont have to do anything with my hair in the morning, I can sleep in a little later! W-O-O-T!

My walls are crashing down around me. I feel like i'm holding on by just a few threads.

I feel like a wuss, all thanks to my severe mood changes. I'm either really happy, or really sad. No inbetweens lately.

I've been losing my hair for a few months now. I know you hear about this alot from me, but its a huge deal to me. If you know me well enough, you would know how much of a girly girl I can be. My hair was a way of expressing myself. I felt beautiful every day with my brightly colored hair. Now I have the thinnest hair i've ever had, and everyday, I fall apart a little inside. On monday my mom is buying be some wigs. And within the next two weeks, i'll be buzzing my hair off; thats if it lasts that long.

I know this is  temporary. But its a harsh thing to deal with. Why me? Why did I have to get diagnosed with cancer and have to go through chemo and now radiation? Why did I have to lose my hair and change alot of things about my life for a few months? Why, why, why? I can ask that a million times, yet i'll never get an answer. On good days, I just look at all of this as a huge obstacle that was thrown at me. Once I overcome it, I will be able to overcome anything. But on bad days, I just feel like its a burden that I have to carry around and deal with everyday.

I feel like i've lost touch with some friends over this whole thing. I have cancer. Can they not just accept that and be there for me? Do they not understand what i'm dealing with and how its affecting me? Well, let me tell you about it. I forget things all the time. For a few months, while I was going through chemo, I felt pretty freaking braindead. Fabulous, huh? Just recently did I start getting normal brain activity back. I can remember more now, thank god. But I still forget a few things here and there. Forgive me if I just so happen to forget something regarding you.

Something that kind of goes under the same topic as that is that one of my best friend thinks i'm being a sketchy friend. I havent been trying to act weird. Nor have I noticed myself acting weird at all. I feel as if i'm acting the same as I did last month, the month before, and so on. But this friend still thinks i'm acting weird. And that tears me apart. One thing I cant handle is losing those close to me. I've already lost enough people close to me... I dont need to lose another. On top of that, I dont need to be depressed or stressed. Dont some people believe that stress and depression can make you sick? Thats the last thing I need.

I need to find peace and happiness right now. I wish everything could be as normal as it used to be, or at least as close to normal as possible. I cant handle this for much longer... but I can try to keep holding on. "Take it one day at a time, Amber. And remember just to breathe. Everything will be okay in the end." Thats all I need to keep telling myself.

Current Mood: torn

Life is definately looking up. :3

Ashlee and I went on an adventure to Lynnwood to look at wigs, however the wig store that we were going to was closed. They were at some wig seminar. Ha. The one day we set out to find wigs... the store is closed. >_< So, we went and ran some errands that Ashlee needed to get done. And then got some coffee. -omnomnom- We were going to head over to Costume & Display, but we only had about an hour left until she had to be at work... so we went to Wal-Mart... where we happened to stumble upon a teal/blue tulle and hot pink tulle; both for $1.25 per yard. We bought 8 yeards of each. XD Were planning on making matching tutu's out of them for Warped Tour. And then I have some purple tulle left over from when I attempted to make a dress for prom. I'm going to make hair bows out of that. And then i'm going to make up band shirt halter tops to wear as well. All in all, I have quite a bit to finish before Warped Tour. Not only am I planning on making all of that stuff, but I still need to put away some money for gas and food, and then some spending money. Which shouldnt be a problem at all. :D Warped Tour this year is going to be AMAZING! Oh yeah. Just wait until you hear what our whole outfit plan is. Haha.

I'm also taking on one more project. O_O I know... four different projects. Most of which need to be completed in less than a month. Anyways, the other project thats on my list is a small room renovation. I've been buying stuff to change my room a bit... but everytime I start doing something with my room, I get distracted. I still need to take down the posters I dont want anymore. And then I need to move some things around, hang up my two new posters, get rid of a bunch of stuff, print off some more pictures of friends to hang on my walls, and then hang those up as well. Realistically, I could finish this in a couple of days, however i'm easily distracted and cant focus on more than one thing at a time usually. My bad. It will all get done by the end of the summer. Hahahahaha!

I think I just like having alot of options to keep me occupied. Wifey's in Maine for two weeks. Bestie works alot. And when i'm not doing radiation, i'm either working or sitting at home trying to find something to do. Bah.

I ramble on about things. -_-